Tools of Discipline
““No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.
Later on, however, it produces a harvest of
righteousness and peace
for those who have been trained by it.”
Last week I wrote about the gift we can give our children when we teach and train them to obey us at a young age.
My conclusion:
When you teach your child to obey you, you give him an increased capacity to obey God.
These wisdom words from Proverbs propel me to give you all the help I can find in the Word of God:
“Discipline your child while there is hope,
if you don’t, you will ruin their lives.”
Proverbs 19:18 NLT
And since not one of us is planning on ruining the lives of our children… we take heed!
What this verse is implying is that there are disciplinary windows of effectiveness. Child development researchers agree! But I’m not going to assail you with dismal statistics and dire percentages.
Just this:
God makes a really big deal about obedience.
And I know exactly what you’re thinking because it’s just what made me crazy with worry when we were raising our children.
How? How do I teach my child to obey me?
One post will not give you all you need to tackle this high and holy task of training your child in obedience, but let me give you a few morsels to chew on. Then take what I write and sit quietly with the Father and listen— not to me, but to Him.
First, a warning:
Anger is not an effective means of discipline. Ever. If discipline is about training and punishment is about shame, then anger is a means of punishment, not discipline. Here’s what God says about the use of anger:
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
Why?
“Because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” James 1:19,20 NIV
When our ultimate goal is to raise sons and daughters who are passionate, all-in followers of Jesus, we dare not allow anger to be a guiding force in the way we discipline our children.
I sincerely doubt it is possible to spend the 20 or so years you’ll have of raising your child without feeling angry. During some stages of your child’s life it might be impossible to go a full day without feeling angry. Yet I do believe that our responses to our feelings of anger can be controlled by the Spirit of God in us.
(For further study in the how’s and why’s of controlling our own anger, pick up a copy of Kitchen Table Counseling by my long time mentor, Muriel Cook. The chapter on Anger is gold!)
Now, another morsel to chew on:
Love precedes all the best tools of discipline.
While I do believe the Bible offers clear and compelling disciplinary tools, every single one of them is born out of love for your child. Your relationship with your child is the key to effective discipline.
Gosh, I wish I had understood this when my kids were teenagers. When they were young it was so clear, so black and white. I wanted what was best for them so I disciplined accordingly. But when they grew beyond spankings and became immune to my reprimands, I sometimes resorted to anger to get their attention— and to blow off the resentment building in me. And even though I almost always caught myself and genuinely apologized for those outbursts— and even though they have been overwhelmingly gracious to forgive me and to seemingly forget those periods of our history, regret has settled deep into my bones.
Now I know a different way. The way of our Redeemer is to discipline by relationship. The loving, giving, serving, comforting, with-ness of God enables me to hear His corrections, His rebukes, His training, His encouragement, and even His spankings (scourging in the NASB).
Thus, mom and dads who follow this way of the Redeemer can expect the Spirit of God to increase the effectiveness of each of the tools of discipline, thereby allowing parents to choose milder means of discipline and giving them occasion to discipline less.
Here’s how that works:
When you discipline your toddler for disobeying you and then you wrap him up in your loving assurance, singing sweet words of encouragement over him, diverting his attention to the wonder of a story or a snack he loves or a special time of play… in that moment the Spirit of God rushes in to fill your child (and you!) with real love. He weights your discipline with His love and your child’s soul feels that love as the truest truth.
Voila! The most effective discipline ever!
And when I began to learn this beautiful truth and practice it with my teenagers I saw all that voila-ness! My kids responded to the love by softening towards me and I softened towards them. We shifted in that moment from oppositional aggravation to one-hearted camaraderie.
Beautiful and right and God’s way.
Now, I know some of you are still frustrated. You need those tools spelled out, explained, and applied. If you’ve been to an Intentional conference go back to your journal and review your notes from section two. If you haven’t yet had a chance to attend a conference, hang in there! I will be focusing on the biblical tools of discipline in coming posts.
With much love for you as we rely on God’s grace together,
Diane
P.S. Thoughts? Ideas? If you’ll post your questions and frustrations in the comments I’ll answer what I can right away and use your queries to inform my posts in the near future.