The 'Overlook the Offense' Approach

After several weeks talking about Sibling Rivalry, we’ve turned the discussion to how to handle conflict once it’s already reared its ugly head.

We’re no longer talking about how to help your kids avoid conflict, instead these guidelines are about what to do when something’s gone wrong; feelings are trampled, a temper flared, a discussion turned into an argument— hard stuff. 

Last week I wrote about the three God-approved options for resolving conflict:

1.  Overlook the offense 

2.  Confront the offense

3.  Discuss the offense

This week let’s look at the first option and when this might be the wisest relational choice. 

First, a story:

Every Thursday night is Date Night at our house— all five Grands come over for a fun night together with cousins while their parents get some much needed time alone.

Last week Phil was gone, so it was just Amma-on-duty. Little Birdie was sound asleep, the three boys were watching a decidedly male movie (adventure, shoot-em-up, bang-em-up, machoism-in-cartoon). The girls were watching u-tube videos on the how-to’s of Disney Princess make-up. 

For reasons I still don’t understand, the boys abandoned their macho-movie to crowd in at the kitchen counter and join the girls in their, “Which princess shall I be?”, world of glitter and lipstick. The tone went from sweetness and giggles to competitive loudness in an instant!

Somewhere in all that rowdy fun, one girl bumped the other girl off her stool and the offended girl came running to me. 

Sound familiar? 

The girl-who-had-been-bumped wanted me to give the bumper a scolding. She wanted justice! Retribution! Shame! 

Instead I asked questions. Since this seemed uncharacteristic of bumper, I sensed there had to be more to the story. But the girl-who-had-been-bumped did her best to convince me that she’d done absolutely nothing to warrant a bumping. 

And maybe she didn’t. But that’s not the point. 

Looking into the flushed face of the offended girl, I knew I couldn’t just brush this off as petty pouting due to a fall off a stool. Yet the offense was so minor that I couldn’t justify lambasting the bumper either. Instead, I helped my two Grand-girls follow these simple steps to resolve their conflict peaceably:

How To Know When To Overlook An Offense:

Ask yourself these questions:

1.  Was I in actual danger or harmed in any way?

2.  Have I provoked this behavior by mistreating the offender?

3.  Could there have been other factors involved? Pressures, fatigue, illness, stress… 

4.  Is this an ongoing pattern?

5.  If I decide to overlook this offense, will it cause problems in our relationship in the future?

6.  Can I choose forgiveness? Or will I be left resentful if I don’t deal with this?

In this case, the bumped-one decided that overlooking the offense was do-able. She’d gotten what she needed from me: empathetic comfort. 

She knew her cousin as a gentle soul, not given to shoving or outbursts of anger. I helped her see that all that male-cousin jostling was creating a stressful situation— not justifying the bump, but certainly making it more understandable. 

By the time we’d talked it all through her red face was back to a happy pink. She no longer felt the burning urge to lash out, nor did she feel overlooked. Forgiveness was not only possible, it had already been granted. 

The offense was happily overlooked. 

In the meantime, the bumper was in the kitchen, beginning to realize that she’d done something not-nice. As the offended girl emerged from our huddle, I could see the shame all over the bumper’s face. Clearly she expected to be scolded. Instead, she got a hug, a genuinely friendly smile, and forgiveness. 

Now I know that’s a pretty minor conflict. But real-life relationships are made up of dozens, hundreds— over the years— thousands of petty offenses. 

Do they need to be dealt with? Yes! 

But some offenses can be overlooked and forgiven without so much as a word exchanged. And friendships— whether between cousins or husband and wife— blossom in soil made rich with mercy. 

Not all conflicts can be smoothed over so easily— nor should each and every conflict be overlooked. But these minor scuffles can sometimes be made right with generous doses of comfort and understanding. 

Don’t you wish our politicians had been taught a thing or two about Jesus’ way of loving others through conflict? 

From a heart yearning for peace on earth— or at least peace between siblings,

Diane

Next week: When Conflict Needs To Be Confronted.