The Peacemakers Guide To Conflict

Like many of you, I grew up in a home filled with good-hearted people who didn’t have a clue how to deal with conflict.

To both of my parents conflict was a naughty word, associated with immense personal pain that had never been faced or healed.

But conflict is such a frequent and normal part of relationships that it doesn’t work to ignore it, or stuff it, or pretend it away. All those bitter feelings just go underground and come spewing to the surface in inappropriate, hurtful— and often relationship killing ways.

For many years I have wrestled with questions about what the Father would have me do with conflict. My natural tendency is to stuff the hurt inside, to scold myself for feeling annoyed, and ultimately, to withdraw from relationships rather than tackle the terrifying panic I feel at the mere thought of confrontation.

And it’s handicapped me. I have contorted myself to please un-pleaseable people. Lied even— anything to keep their venom from spewing more hurt on me. I’ve lost friends— withdrawing rather than facing an uncomfortable conversation. And sometimes I’ve given in to gossip— what Christianeze often terms “sharing”— instead of dealing directly with the person involved.

But there is a better way, and I’m learning it slowly. 

The God who created us has filled His Word with wisdom to navigate those inevitable moments we all dread. 

In a nutshell, this is what I know now, what I believe you need to know too, if you’re to teach your children the way of Jesus…

Three Ways To Honor God In Conflict:

In the Scriptures there are three God-applauded ways of responding to conflict. Not three formulas, nor three guarantees-for-miraculous-perfection, just three general guidelines that inform us how to be like Jesus— peacemakers who deal in true love.

1.  Overlooking the offense. 

There are times when we’re impatient, self-centered, put-out, and the way we really need to respond to the one who’s annoyed us is to be filled with grace and forgiveness. 

Or someone’s done us wrong but we purpose to extend mercy— choosing not to give that person what we feel they deserve. 

In Jesus’ words:

“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you… Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” Luke 6:27,28,31

There is beauty in laying down our rights, in not always having to be right:

“A person’s wisdom yields patience, it is one’s glory to overlook an offense”. Proverbs 19:11

Jesus wasn’t saying what people sometimes infer He meant: that abuse can be ignored, that speaking up to bad behavior is un-loving. Instead, He offers another guideline…

2.  Confronting the offense.

In John 4, Jesus gently but firmly speaks truth to a woman who was living a lie. There’s no condemnation in the story, yet He didn’t pretend, didn’t play into the woman’s fantasy. Instead he let her know she could be free, that she was known and valued. 

In Jesus’s words:

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you…” Matthew 18:15-17

This is the rebuke of true love. Caring more about the person doing the offending than your own offended-ness. 

To the Pharisees, Jesus’ words were scathingly blunt. A lot of “woe to you” kinds of warnings (see Matthew 23:24-26). Their hardness of heart dictated His strong response. 

And somewhere in between is a way of loving that makes truth easier to bear. Truth so wrapped in grace that no shadow of shame enters the conversation. This, I believe, is our most-overlooked tool in resolving conflict in relationships…

3.  Discussing the offense.

There is a friendly way of talking that eschews monologue and invites dialogue. No finger wagging scolding, simply an invitation to finding resolution. 

Friendly discussion involves asking questions that don’t put the person on the defensive. A warm way of finding out what’s really going on rather than taking the offender’s words to heart. 

Sometimes, especially with our kids, friendly discussion includes teaching, and correcting. At other times, a friendly discussion may mean an intelligent debate of the issue that doesn’t seek to win so much as to win the person over.

We’ll be taking the next three weeks to dive deeper into each of these peace-making ways. And then, learning how to teach them to your children.

This isn’t how to avoid to conflict or how to get along better, instead these guidelines are about what to do when something’s gone wrong; feelings are trampled, a temper flared, a discussion turned into an argument, someone betrayed our trust. 

These are things I’ve learned, and am still learning, as I’ve cried out to God in repentance for my own failure to be a peacemaker in relationships that matter to me. 

I invite you to come learn along with me…

From my heart,

Diane

P.S. I would love to hear from you. If you need prayer, have a question, or have something to share about peacemaking, please leave a comment.