The 'Friendly Discussion' Approach
And before we can teach our kids the tricky business of conflict resolution, we have to learn ourselves, don’t we?
I dare say most of us find conflict easier to avoid than to resolve.
But as a seriously conflict-adverse person, I can tell you that avoidance isn’t the same as peacemaking. In fact, I can attest to the truth that avoidance sometimes makes conflict worse.
Jesus, the ultimate Peace Maker, neither created conflict nor avoided it. Instead, He met differences head on, often with the utmost gentleness. At other times He was startlingly blunt.
I have come to believe that the hardest part about conflict isn’t all the tumultuous emotion involved; the fear, the barely restrained anger, the risk.
Nope, the hardest part about conflict is ignorance: I don’t know what to do.
We’ve been looking at three God-approved ways of dealing with conflict:
- Overlook the offense
- Discuss the offense
- Confront the offense
As followers of the Prince of Peace, we have to learn to ask ourselves the question: Which option would have been best in this scenario?
That’s a judgment call few young children are equipped to make. Which is why I don’t believe that old adage: let your kids work it out themselves.
Instead, it is the parent’s privilege to intervene as a teacher of relational wisdom. Not simply with an irritated ‘stop arguing right now, or else!’ followed by pronouncements of coming doom— but with easy-to-understand directions on the way of the peacemaker in the midst of conflict.
Some conflicts simply need to be talked about in an openly friendly manner. In many cases, to say nothing results in walls being built— walls that keep out real love and trust. Friendship withers and dies when those walls grow to impenetrable defenses.
In fact, the Bible says,
“A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a citadel.”
Jesus shows us a better way, a friendly way, of resolving conflict before it gets to this “offended brother” point that may prevent your children from enjoying long-lasting friendship.
When To Initiate Friendly Discussion:
- When a pattern of the same offense is emerging. It’s happened more than a few times, you’ve overlooked it, forgiven it, applied generous amounts of mercy.
- When the offender has hurt you either physically or emotionally. Some things are annoying, while others are hurtful or even downright dangerous.
- When overlooking the manner seems to be an invitation for more mistreatment. This is when the offender continues to use anger or hurtful words as a means of control.
- When you perceive good motives but faulty methods. The offender is being oblivious or immature, but not intentionally destructive.
How To Initiate Friendly Discussion:
- Save it until your feelings are soothed. No one is good at being friendly when their feelings are hurt. Wait until you’ve calmed down and you’re seeing the value of the friendship.
- Speak gently. Keep the tone soft, your words kind, your mannerisms open.
- Smile warmly. Facial expression matter. A welcoming smile means you’re not about to blast the offender.
- Say it clearly. Don’t go on and on, trying to convince the offender that they’ve hurt you. Start by just stating the facts.
- Save room for questions. Don’t assume you know all the circumstances that led up to the offense. There’s a good chance that you’ve said or done something that has left them angry and ready to lash out.
- Stay away from accusations. ‘You always’, ‘You never’— those are fighting words. And don’t use judgmental summaries either— instead, assume good intent. “I don’t think you meant to hurt me.”
- Say something good. “You are one of my most valued friends, I really want to understand.” Or “This is so unlike you that I knew I needed to clear it up.”
- Settle for truth over winning. Unfortunately, some people are apology-adverse. They’ve been poorly taught, or humiliated too often to understand the strength that a true apology gives. As sad as that is, it may sometimes be the better part of valor to wait and watch for an apology of actions.
- Swallow your pride. Nothing kills friendship faster than an over-sized ego. Don’t require groveling or “making it up” to you. You’ve said your piece, now forgive and start over.
All this requires tremendous emotional and spiritual maturity— yet your kids are neither emotionally, nor spiritually mature! That’s why they need you to guide every step of the friendly discussion.
Sometimes, especially if you’re just beginning to train your kids in the way of peace, you’ll need to feed the right words to your kids through every step of this method of conflict resolution. At other times, just your presence is needed.
When our daughters were teenagers they needed a lot of help to work out their frequent misunderstandings. That’s normal! Stay in the game, be the godly, gracious, truth-and-love representative of the way of Jesus. You are giving your kids a gift few parents even know how to give: the ways of peace in a world torn asunder by conflict.
Someday they might even thank you.
From my heart,
Diane
Next week: When and how to use confrontation as a way to resolve conflict.