The 'Confrontational' Approach
“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth,
but only such a word as is good for edification
according to the need of the moment,
that it may give grace to those who hear.”
Last week we talked about the Friendly Discussion approach to conflict resolution. It is, I believe, the approach we should be using most often in our families. A way of defusing anger and dealing with difficult behavior that “gives grace to those who hear”.
Because if our homes are filled with grace— that richly welcoming, undeserved favor all of us long for— then we are inviting Jesus’ presence right into the middle of the relationships that matter most to us.
As Jesus following parents, that’s what we want more than anything, isn’t it? To welcome the presence of Jesus into our home and our family— even into our conflicts.
That said, sometimes things happen that require a carefully conducted confrontation.
This kind of confrontation is reserved for outright, unrepentant sin. Not hurt feelings, not minor scuffles or the stubborn delay of an apology, not even the kind of nasty retribution seen on a daily basis between siblings who aren’t getting along.
Once, when I was a teenager, just beginning to follow Jesus, barely knowing His ways, I was at a party that involved a heavy dose of underage drinking. I was on mission to tell my friends about my new-found faith in God—
obviously, I had no business being there, but I didn’t know that then. Before I went home, I noticed my brother laughing with some friends, unsteady on his feet, pretty much plastered from too much alcohol. I tried to talk to him, tried to convince him to come home with me rather than drive his own car home, but I went about it all wrong, way too shaming, which met with predictable resistance.
All the way home I worried about him, but I didn’t know what to do. Dare I tell my parents? Risk their aversion to my irritating tendency to be a “tattle-tell”?
In not knowing what to do, I did nothing.
And that haunted me when I had teenagers of my own. What if he had died? What if he had hurt someone else? How could I have been so foolish— and so selfish— as to say nothing?
Which is why I believe it is so very important that we teach our kids what to do about conflict.
The go-to passage on confronting sin that threatens the well-being of another is found in Matthew 18v15-17 with references to Deuteronomy 19v15-18. While this is not the place for an in-depth theological discussion on this often misconstrued passage, I believe it is the best Biblical foundation for teaching our children how to love their brothers and sisters enough to step in when necessary.
Using the progression found in these passages, here’s what I should have done:
How To Confront A Sibling
1. “Go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” (Matthew 18v15)
First I should have talked honestly and lovingly to my brother about what he was doing.
That’s what love does. It doesn’t hide, nor does love run in the face of disapproval.
Love is courageous enough to risk relationship for the well-being of another.
No shame, just the facts. Emotion tends to muddy the waters of conflict, so teach your kids to tether their adrenaline-laced feelings before launching in to a confrontation.
2. “But if they will not listen, take one or two others along.” (Matthew 18v16)
If the person doesn’t respond with repentance (which just means “to turn around and go the other way”), the next step is to bring another to help arbitrate. Not because you want to let loose on the person caught in error, but in order to imitate the beautiful redemption of Jesus.
Jesus never gives up on us, just keeps inviting us back into the truth. His conviction of our sin feels freeing, not shaming.
In the case of my brother, it would have meant calling my parents and asking them to come. Not “tattling”, just believing that they cared more for him than anyone on earth— and would be the best possible people to help him get home safely.
3. “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” (Matthew 18v17)
Remember, the point is to rescue your brother!
This is the opposite of just pretending that all is fine, the peace-at-any-price wimpiness that is the opposite of love.
In the case of my brother, had he refused to listen (which I am absolutely certain he wouldn’t have- he was an honorable young man who made a serious error of judgment) the next step would have involved openness with the family. The church is, after all, to be like family to each other.
Instead of hiding the problem, we would have talked openly about it in order to help the one we loved to overcome potentially devastating actions.
At this step, we are urged to treat the unrepentant person with the kindness and dignity we are called to offer anyone and everyone outside of fellowship with Jesus. Love, acceptance, grace in abundance.
Can you see how inviting and un-shaming this approach to serious sin would be? And how potentially freeing? Jesus offers a loving, respectful way of rescue.
This is love at it’s finest!
If we will teach our children how to confront their brothers or sisters (or parents!) when sin seems to be winning, we will be showing them the way of the Redeemer.
And it’s His way we want to follow, isn’t it?
The only caution I would offer, as you teach His way to your children, is to reserve this third option for serious sin with potentially dreadful consequences. This is not the best method for minor offenses. Instead, go back to the principles of overlooking the offense or a friendly discussion.
I am thankful to say that my brother grew up to be a fine, responsible man. My parents caught on to the problem and guided him into an adulthood free of drinking problems. And I’ve never forgotten the lesson I learned about loving someone enough to speak up when I’d rather run and hide.
From a heart still learning,
Diane