The Art Of Forgiveness
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you”
Since the beginning of summer we have been exploring the topic of sibling rivalry and conflict resolution. By now your kids have some tools to utilize when they experience those inevitable times when they step on each other’s toes. And you have some tools to teach your children a better way— the way of Jesus.
The way of love.
And yet, too often, the kind of relationships we’ve been talking about can be faked. Christians are notorious for playing pretend— plastering on a sweet smile while harboring resentment and bitterness in our hearts. And parents are often to blame— yep, us!
We want peace in our homes and so we squelch conflict as a bad thing.
Why? Conflict between our kids is bothersome and wearying, time consuming and annoying.
At best.
At worst it takes over our lives, making us crazy with grief, splitting our homes wide open and our hearts into pieces.
Instead of yelling, “Can’t you kids just get along?” we have to be vigilant and ready for those times when the obvious answer is NO, our kids cannot just get along. They need help— your help— to master the skills of peacemaking taught by Jesus.
And still, they fail; and so do we. They blow it, and we blow up. Our kids implode, and we explode.
Which is why…
Forgiveness is the exquisite masterpiece in the museum of lasting relationships.
If your hope is that your kids will keep on loving, and supporting, and being friends with each other after they leave your home, you must teach them and train them in the art of forgiveness.
To that end, let’s be clear on what forgiveness is not. (I owe an enormous debt of gratitude to my long-time mentor, Muriel Cook, for opening my heart to these jewels of wisdom.)
Five Things Forgiveness Is Not:
- Forgiveness is not reconciliation. “We can always choose to forgive, because we have control over our own will. However, we may not be able to choose reconciliation…”
- Forgiveness is not condoning. “For Jesus’ sake we forgive the one who has hurt us; it’s an issue of obedience. Instead of absolving the offender, we give over to God the responsibility to judge that person. (Romans 12:19)”
- Forgiveness is not forgetting. Pay attention here parents! “The only way for the forgive and forget mentality to be practiced is through radical denial, deception, or pretense.” Instead we forgive over and over again until “we can think about that person or situation and it has no more power to make us angry or hurt.”
- Forgiveness is not instant healing. “The actual healing can take time… we need to be patient with the pain after we have forgiven someone.”
- Forgiveness is not a process; it’s a decision. Now wait, I know this sounds impossible— forgiveness as a decision?! But this truth is gold. If we teach this to our kids we give them enormous power over their oft-times wild and unruly emotions. More than any other truth about forgiveness, this last one has enabled me to do what I don’t feel like doing— to choose to forgive. “Forgiveness is an act of the will; healing is the process.”
A home that is vibrant with genuine joy, and generous with unforced affection, is a home that is full to the brim with forgiveness. Daily forgiveness. Forgiveness that is given as an act of love towards each other, and as an act of worship towards God.
Reveling in the beauty of the forgiveness,
Diane
P.S. Muriel Cook wrote a book along with her daughter, Shelly Volkhardt, that is a book that every parent needs. The title, Kitchen Table Counseling, is exactly what it is— book to read and underline and go back to again and again as you counsel yourself and your kids on the way of Jesus in every day life.