What If My Husband Won’t Lead?
Today I came upon a blurb from our soon-to-be-released book that I’d love to sneak your way. Why wait till March when real life is getting in the way of living wisely now?
This is from me writing to moms, so...
Picture yourself sitting down with me this afternoon, you’re cradling a cup of tea in your hands, a candle is glowing against the Oregon grey. You’ve curled up in the cushy white chair in my cabin in the back, and we’re talking about the reality of raising children in our culture. How we long for our kids to honestly love God and grow up to be wise adults who delight in His Word.
And well, its feeling like an improbable dream… and you’re not sure you’re up for it… and your husband... well, that’s a dilemma you don’t know how to fix.
Here’s what I’d say...
I have been listening to women open their hearts to me both privately and in small groups, in brokenness and in spilled over frustration, for nearly four decades of church ministry.
What I have heard over and over is a cry for husbands to take up the responsibility of spiritual leadership in our homes, and a sense that if they don’t, our children will suffer and so will we.
Over time, that frustration often turns into an underlying bitterness of spirit that our men rarely identify but always sense. While there is much truth in our worries, I believe there is a great deal of falsehood as well.
Somewhere along the line, many of us create in our minds our own definition of what spiritual leadership looks like.
We mix our deep desire for spiritual oneness with our husbands with idealistic renderings of what we are sure other men do. It’s an unrealistic notion that we have idealized as the gold standard of spiritual leadership.
Moms, may I caution you?
Oftentimes we expect far too much from our husbands when the Bible clearly indicates that the spiritual training of children is both the mother’s and the father’s responsibility. The lamp and the light, remember?
While I am convinced that Phil’s commitment to reading and informally teaching the Bible to our kids resulted in adults who love the Word of God, there is absolutely no reason that a mother cannot do the same if her husband is not stepping into that role.
The Biblical example of this is tucked into a paragraph in an intensely personal letter Paul wrote to Timothy:
“I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also.”
Scholars believe Timothy pastored the largest church in the world at that time—the church in Ephesus. No doubt this man was a spiritual giant in the early church, a young man any Jesus-following parent would be proud of.
Yet Paul does not mention Timothy’s father. Many speculate that his father was not a follower of Jesus. We know from Luke’s account that Timothy was a young disciple “whose mother was Jewish and a believer but whose father was a Greek.” (Acts 16:1)
It can be presumed that Timothy grew up in a home with a father who was either absent or who took little or no interest in following Jesus. The influence of his godly mother and grandmother was remarkable enough to be noted by Paul.
Some husbands need to be encouraged—not manipulated or shamed or pushed— into their God-assigned role as the spiritual guide of their family.
If your husband is a believer, he probably wants to lead his family, and he may even be secretly ashamed that he has rendered himself mute in spiritual matters, but he doesn’t know how. He may not fully understand what is expected of him and lack confidence in his ability to fulfill that undefined role, so he remains passive. It is not uncommon for men to revert to a disinterested façade when they feel they have no chance at success.
We can make it much easier for our men if, instead of laying a guilt trip on them, we know their hearts and act accordingly.
We should assume the best of our husbands, not making family Bible time a test of their spiritual leadership capabilities. Instead, we can step in to help make it happen.
You get out the Bible storybook (that you researched and purchased) right after dinner. You gather the kids, maybe make a bowl of popcorn, and start a fire in the fireplace for atmosphere. You set it up! This is not taking over; it’s being an encouragement and a helper to our husbands, recognizing their need for respect in every area of life—but especially in this intimidating role as spiritual leader.
Early on I learned that Phil would always rather do Bible time than clean up the kitchen after dinner, so that’s what we did most nights. I cleaned up while Phil stretched out on the floor with the kids piled on top, and read the picture Bible to them. I took my sweet time, relishing some time alone to clean up (thereby feeding my manic perfectionism!) while our children relished time with their dad and learned to love the Scriptures.
And then I’d take your hands between mine and we’d pray. For boldness and a persuasive way with words, for eyes to see our families the way God sees them. That we’d be willing to lead without dominating or complaining, willing to wait until our men find the confidence to offer themselves to be used by God to their children. And that in the doing of our every-days, we’d be filled with the grace of those who know we’ve been given mercy.
And if this is a need for you, won’t you leave your name in the comments so I can pray for you?
With all my heart,
Diane
PS: To pre-order a copy of Raising Passionate Jesus Followers: The Power of Intentional Parenting to be released on March 6th, 2018: