Sibling Rivalry 106
Loving Each Other
Have you heard the seemingly tried and true advice given to parents of bickering brothers and sisters? It goes something like this: Don’t intervene! They have to learn how to work things out for themselves. Just let them.
But what is the real result of that pithy appeal? Think about it.
The meanest one wins— every time!
If, on the other hand, you patiently teach your children how to work through conflict in a godly and gracious way, you will be setting them up for a future of relational maturity. They will be able to empathize with others, knowing how to “weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice”. (Romans 12:150)
Jesus talked about intentionally loving people on the Sermon on the Mount. I love the way the New Living Translation puts it:
“God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.”(Matthew 5:9) He upended cultural norms by telling His followers to “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven.”
Peter, having watched Jesus, exhorted us to respond to insults as Jesus did: “When they hurled insults at him, he did not retaliate; when suffering he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” (I Peter 2:23)
Making disciples of your own children by training them in this counter-cultural concept of loving people— especially their own siblings— is the high calling of Jesus- following parents.
And what could be more loving than having the courage to resolve conflict with someone you’ve hurt? Most people, I have learned, have no idea how to formulate a life-giving, relationship-saving apology. And so two people in relationship end up with damned up offenses that eventually burst in a grand display of rejecting anger.
There is one simple (but not easy) way to bridge the relational gap when we’ve blown it. This is the…
Peacemaking Skill #5: Learn the healing art of a humble apology.
The Proper Way To Apologize
Here’s how it works:
1. Apologize for the specific offense. “ I’m sorry if I hurt you” is a hollow apology. Instead, teach your kids how to be humble by being upfront and honest about what they did wrong. Something like, “I’m sorry for calling you stupid.”
2. Accept responsibility. Again, be specific and do not blame the other. “I said such-and-so because you did so-and-so” puts the blame for your choices on the other person. Instead say, “I should not have said that.”
Remember: my response is my responsibility!
3. Ask God’s forgiveness. All sin and selfishness hurts God first. When I wrong one of God’s children, I am wronging God Himself.
If your kids think this feels false, teach them the life-changing concept that God is with us every moment of every day. When we’re worshipping and when we’re arguing! That is God’s beloved son or daughter you’re lashing out at— carefully crafted and created the way He wants them to be. And He deserves an apology for the way you hurt them.
4. Ask the person’s forgiveness. “Will you please forgive me for calling you stupid?” holds more weight than a sullen, “sorry”. This is a way of acknowledging that what you did hurt or inconvenienced or in some real way affected the person you offended.
Adding an understanding phrase weights these words wondrously! Something like: “When I called you stupid I hurt your feelings deeply. I didn’t mean it— I was mad. I shouldn’t have said that, it’s not even true.”
5. Restore the relationship. The burden for restoring the relationship falls squarely on the shoulders of the one who did the offending. Don’t miss this last step! We all know that a quick apology will not fix everything broken in a relationship. The burden of restoration falls on the one who did the offending, the one who left their brother or sister wounded and hurting.
When the prodigal son came home to his father after blowing his inheritance, he didn’t expect to come back in an exalted position. He simply hoped to be hired on as one of his father’s servants. His words give us a beautiful example of a genuine apology:
“Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.”(Luke 15:8,9)
The father embraced his son and their relationship was restored. But notice the beautiful humility of the son: he set out to serve the one he hurt.
How might that look between arguing siblings?
- Serving up words of encouragement: “You’re such a loyal sister, I should never have said that."
- Serving with kind acts: “Let me clean up the mess with you, after all, I’m the one who grabbed that Lego.”
- Serving by giving space to heal: “Do you want to be by yourself for a while since I hurt you?”
- Serving by sharing something valuable: “I shouldn’t have hit you when you took that toy, would you like a turn now?”
Maybe these examples sound kind of stilted, but you get the idea.
Teach your child to do the work of restoration as a symbolic gesture of sincere repentance.
John the Baptist called this the “fruit of repentance” (Luke 3:8) and went on to list for His listeners specific ways of working it out in real life. Just like Him, we can coach our kids by walking them through the steps that lead to peace between brothers.
And that, my dear moms and dads, is gold.
From a heart still learning how,
Diane
PS: For an excellent and thorough explanation of an effective way to make things right, we highly recommend When Sorry Isn’t Enough, by Gary Chapman (author of The 5 Love Languages) and Jennifer Thomas.