Sibling Rivalry 103
“To sum up all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit;
not returning evil for evil or insult for insult,
but giving a blessing instead;
for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.
For the one who desires life, to love and see good days, must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit.”
Last week I wrote about… Peacemaking Skill #1: Apply Humility.
I wrote about humility first, even though this skill is listed last in this series of character qualities God urges us to apply in resolving conflict and living at peace with one another.
Why?
Because experience has taught me that…
Humility is the key that opens closed hearts.
Once I have purposely climbed off my high horse and chosen to care more about the person I am in conflict with than even my own feelings, that’s when all these other qualities can be applied like soothing, healing lotion on ruffled emotions.
Which leads us to…
Peacemaking Skill #2: Give A Blessing Instead
The harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted thing to do in the midst of conflict is this:
Give a blessing instead of blasting the person who is hurting or annoying you.
So simple, so hard, so seemingly impossible!
But there it is, impossible to ignore. My calling in any given conflict is to give a blessing. And my calling as a mother— your calling as a parent— is to both teach and model this Biblical truth to our kids.
Gosh!
I don’t need to write to you about the modeling part. Instead, I urge you to bring this passage into a time of silence and solitude, asking the Father to be your guide in applying this truth in your relationships.
Start with your marriage.
Ask God how to give your spouse a blessing when what you really want to do is return a perceived insult with a well-aimed insult in return!
Or at the very least, withdraw any sort of affection or blessing until he or she apologizes and eats humble pie and promises never to be mean again!
Start there, by learning from the Spirit how to give a blessing instead.
The first time I applied this to my marriage was years and years— decades ago. We’d been married for just over one year and had recently spilled our frustration and shame out in an honest moment with an older, wiser, godly couple we admired: We argued! And that felt so wrong and un-Christian of us.
Rather than lecture us, they opened their Bibles and showed us this passage out of 1 Peter 3:8,9.
Give a blessing instead.
At the time it seemed like such a simple solution. I loved my husband fiercely, of course I could do that!
It wasn’t but a few days later that I learned just how hard it is in real life. I don’t remember what we were arguing about, or why, just that my feelings were hurt. And I had a nasty reply on my lips, ready to let it fly, when the Spirit whispered,
“Give a blessing instead! Di! Give a blessing instead!”
That certainly stopped me in my tracks. First of all, to realize that God was right there with us in the middle of our “emotional disagreement” (aka fight). A sobering reality indeed!
Somehow I managed to stop myself from slinging my own mud on Phil, but I was stumped as to how in the world to give a blessing instead. I wracked my brain to come up with something, anything. And the best I could do was say: “Phil, I love your boney knees!”
Now, to be fair to my former self, I was all of twenty years old at the time. I was emotionally immature, and racked with wounds I didn’t even know I had.
As soon as I said it, I felt the foolishness of my stumbling attempt at giving a blessing. But before I could come up with something better, Phil started to laugh. He knew what I was trying to do, and couldn’t help but see the comedy in it all! Then we were both laughing as he told me he loved my long hair.
As crude and shallow as that was, it cleared the air for us both to see that our argument was foolish. We loved each other! In fact, we had a long list of character qualities we admired in each other.
You can teach your kids to do the same.
They’re arguing, bickering, purposely pushing each other’s buttons. Instead of blasting them with parental pronouncements of “All you ever do is argue!” Or “Can’t you two just get along? Or banishing them from your presence in complete and utter frustration… try this:
“Johnny, I so admire your strong leadership skills. I believe you’ll be someone people will want to follow some day. And I enjoy watching how you play with your sisters even when sometimes you’d rather be alone.”
Then turn to little sister, who is afraid that you’re taking his side:
“Becci, you are such a good friend to everyone in this family. I love how loyal you are and how you’re always thinking of ways to help.”
Now you’ve got their attention! And you’ve solved the problem we talked about in Sibling Rivalry 101. You assured each of them you love them by pointing out something you love about them.
Now say this: “Johnny, can you tell me one thing you love about your little sister?”
Don’t be surprised if all he can think of us something shallow and self-centered. Something like, “I like you ‘cuz you play army with me.” That’s ok, he’ll get better with time and practice.
Then give sister a turn. “Beks, is there something about Johnny that makes him especially fun to be with?”
The key to make this work is patience and a little prompting on your part. No shaming, no lectures. You’re trying to build friendship between siblings and that will take about all the patience you have— and then some!
And, to be honest, some kids will balk at this kind of “performing” when they’re not feeling anything but mad. Don’t let the fake-feeling deter you.
Emotional and relational maturity is when we are able to do what is right even when our feelings lag behind.
First we do, then we feel. Not the other way around.
Assure your children that even though they don’t feel particularly sorry or warm and fuzzy in the present moment, they can do the truth they know and the feelings will (eventually) follow.
Make sense?
Apply this Peacemaking Skill to a problem between siblings this week— I have no doubt you’ll have opportunity! But before you do, I’d suggest you read this passage to your kids and explain how your whole family is going to start trying to follow the way of Jesus in becoming peacemakers at home.
Your children (whether they’re 5 or 15) will be a lot more receptive if you present this as a whole-family-project, than if you start shooting Bible verses at them in the middle of hurt feelings and frustrations.
And would you let us know how it goes? Just leave your story in the comments as a way of encouraging parents-in-the-trenches that peace really is possible.
From my heart,
Diane
Up next week: The Two Fears That Fuel Every Conflict