Sibling Rivalry 101
Summer is almost here: sunshine, barbeques, swim parties, camping, farmer’s markets— and conflict between the kids.
With the school year winding down, the chatter between moms on Facebook is already starting to heat up. Soon the ranting will begin. Kids driving mom crazy with their messes, their mouthiness, and more than anything, their bickering, badgering, bothersome battles.
Every parent-at-home faces squabbling between siblings.
Read that again. I’ll wait right here while you do.
Kids fight. They argue. They say mean things. They aggravate and bait and push each other’s buttons. Which results in drama, violence, tears, yelling, sulking: our very own preview to Armageddon.
And every parent is faced with three choices.
You can either…
- Punish everyone involved. After all, they’ve wrecked your day with their bickering, so they deserve their day wrecked too, right?!
- Ignore the conflict. After all, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”—right? Just let them work it out for themselves.
Or…
3. Train your children to resolve conflict in the godly, peace-embracing way of Jesus.
Now… which will you choose? ‘Cuz to vacillate between all three is the surest way to turn all those kids on you.
And yet, to be perfectly up front and honest— that’s mostly what I did. I wanted to train our 2 boys and 2 girls in peacemaking skills but I mostly didn’t know how—beyond a couple of basics like showing them how to apologize well and how to forgive when someone has hurt you. But I often reverted to punishment and occasionally (if it wasn’t too loud) ignored it.
No one gets it right all the time.
But to have a principled plan is always best, right? And so, for the next several weeks I’m going to be writing up what I have learned while raising my kids, as well as what I’m learning from people who know a lot more than I did or do, and what I’m gleaning from the Scriptures now.
This series, my dear friends, is what I wish I’d known while I was raising my kids.
The Big Picture:
Why do brothers and sisters argue? Why do they attack and aggravate each other? Why do your kids insist on being repeatedly and persistently nasty to each other?
The Problem:
In the book, Siblings Without Rivalry, the authors funnel the research into one primary reason for all that arguing:
“Where does it all begin? The experts in the field seem to agree that at the root of sibling jealously is each child’s deep desire for the exclusive love of his parents.”
The Bible makes it clear, “For jealously and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and motivated by the Devil. For wherever there is jealously and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and every kind of evil.” James 3:15-16 NLT
Are you depressed yet? Don’t be! As followers of Jesus, attempting to teach and train our children to follow Jesus, we have clear guidelines and rich wisdom handed to us in the Scriptures.
The Solution:
The ultimate solution to sibling rivalry is simple. Not simplistic, not easy by any stretch of the imagination. But all rivalry, dissention, and conflict of any kind would end and will end when each of us grasp for ourselves what the angel told Daniel:
“… you are deeply loved by God. Be at peace; take heart and be strong!” (Daniel 10:19 NLT)
And what Paul prayed for his friends in Ephesus:
“May you experience the love of Christ, even though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” (Ephesians 3:19 NLT)
If the cause of sibling rivalry is jealousy and envy for the exclusive love of a child’s parents, then the solution is a dawning understanding of God’s exclusive, inclusive love for each one of us.
Personally. Specifically.
Only the Father can love that way.
As my understanding of God’s specific love for me grows, I become more and more a person at rest. I am loved, pursued, wanted, watched over. I can, as Peter claimed, “throw the whole weight of your anxieties upon Him, for you are His personal concern.” (I Peter 5:7 Phillips)
From that place of being deeply loved, I can gather strength to love others. And so can your kids.
What A Parent Can Do:
- Drench your kids in affectionate, loving, accepting, knowing, specific love. Say it. Write it. Sing it. Hug. Hold hands. Rub his back, stroke her hair.
Celebrate your children. Spread it around. Make it clear that you have plenty of love for each of your kids.
2. Soak your kids in the love of God. As you do all in your power to convince your child that you love him or her, you open a door to allow God’s love to be experienced and believed.
She is loved specifically by God. He is loved personally by the Creator. Being loved that way changes everything! And everyone! It’s hard to be hateful when you are experiencing the love of God in real time.
3. Open your child’s heart to the love God has for their brother or sister. That he or she is loved specifically by God. That he is God’s personal concern, just as he is. Make this a daily observation.
Just as you are to celebrate your child, teach and train your children to celebrate each other.
Remember, this is the Big Picture. I’ve offered no solutions so far. Hang in there, I will! But first you’ve got to understand the problem and the only real answer to that problem.
What’s the problem? Jealousy, envy, competition for a parent’s love.
What’s the solution? Experiencing God’s love so completely that all envy is swallowed in the love God has for each of us.
The distance between the problem and the solution can be years, decades— a lifetime.
But there are things we can do to help our kids. Ways we can show them how to act and react when they’re feeling wronged or hurt. A map to navigate through the tough times as they forge bravely ahead towards peace… and even friendship.
If that sounds like something you want and need, tune in here for the next few weeks. As always, it is our earnest desire to point you to Jesus, the Prince of Peace.
May He wrap your home in His beautiful Shalom,
Diane
P.S. Here are some Scriptures I am reveling in right now. After you’ve soaked your soul in these truths, gently introduce them to your children:
Isaiah 41:13 (you don’t have to figure this out alone)
Isaiah 43:4 (this is how God feels about you- this is truth)
Ephesians 3:16-20 (this changes everything)
Romans 12:2 (God can actually change the way I think!)