Q + A: Whining

Question:

How can we minimize or (even eliminate) whining?

Answer:

As I read this question left on the Intentional Parents Instagram feed, I couldn’t help but groan. Give me a dozen diapers to change— any day— before subjecting me to those seemingly unsolvable episodes of high-pitched complaint!

Whining is irritating, frustrating, draining and exhausting. 

Like my mother before me, I started out by clamping a firm lid of disapproval over my children’s whining. I’d tell them to stop, then get more strident as the whining continued. And yes, sometimes I’d snap at my bewildered child as if my annoyance might somehow make her stop. And like my mother before me, it didn’t work— not really. 

One day it dawned on me why my efforts to eradicate whining weren’t working. And at the same time, I realized why shutting me down hadn’t worked for my mom. It’s because…

Whining is not so much a behavior problem, as it is a symptom of something else going on.

Which leads to the obvious conclusion that shutting down the whining may not be the wisest course of action. In fact, it might even be harmful. Because if whining is a symptom of unnamed feelings that a child cannot yet verbalize, driving those emotions underground could backfire.

Here’s how I know this: I am a regular imploder. Yep. While I am thankful my mom taught me not to complain, I am nearly incapable of reading my own sadness/stress/anger until it builds up inside me and comes spewing out in tears— and not the pretty princess kind! Once those emotions come pushing to the surface I’m basically a blubbering mess. Like a snowball rolling down the side of a mountain, my emotions accumulate more and more until an all-out avalanche sweeps me in its wake.

Not good.

And though I tried to do better by my kids, in reality I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t like all those big emotions and so I shut them down. 

How much better if we’d help our kids deal with whatever it is that is troubling them. Which might mean some careful discipline, and will certainly mean some thoughtful questions. 

What Not To Do With Whining:

• Do not use anger to shut your child down. (see James 1:19)
• Do not shame your child out of his/her whining. (shame is an ineffective heart changer, it just drives your child underground).
• Do not expect all whining to be solved by the same solutions.
• Do not whine back! Or behind your child’s back. 
• Do not resort to keeping your kids constantly on the go to keep them from whining— you’ll create a much worse problem!

As you can imagine, I tried all those methods to halt the whining in our household. Yet as they got older and as I began to learn how to deal with my own messy emotions, I discovered some better ways that I wish I’d understood when my children were little. Here are a few solutions.

What To Do With A Whining Child:

1.  Identify the problem. 

Which is, of course, easier said than done. A child begins to whine at the most inconvenient moments! But if you’re alert and aware you’ll begin to notice when and why each of your kids get whiney.

2.  Keep track of triggers.

Does your daughter whine when she gets home from school? Does your son groan and complain when he hasn’t eaten in a while? Does bedtime trigger complaints? Is she fussing any time you say no? 

3.  Ask God what’s going on in your child’s soul.

This is my favorite question for God: What’s this about, Lord? When I sit in silence, trusting Him to know more than I can discern on my own, He seems to delight in answering. Rarely right away though, which leads to the next thing.

4.  Wait on God in hope-filled expectation.

By that I mean that once you’ve quieted yourself and asked Him what’s going on, you commit to slowing down and focusing throughout the day (or days) so you can hear His wisdom. You take your question on your run, not trying to figure it out, but opening your heart to listen. You sit on the side of your child’s bed when his cheeks are flushed with sleep, and you ask again, Lord, You know my child, what’s this whining really about?

5.  When your child is old enough, ask him or her what’s going on.

Not in an irritated, shaming voice, but with soft gentleness. Maybe name a few emotions for him: Are you sad about something? Are you bored, can I help you find something creative to do? Did something make you feel unsettled at school today? Your purpose in this step is not so much to solve the problem as to enable your child to put words around his emotions. I am still learning this! What a gift to have a parent invite a child into emotional awareness.

6.  Ask yourself how you can rearrange your life to help your child to thrive.

Some introverted children need time alone, or time one-on-one with you in non-demanding activity. You may need to slow life down so your before-dinner-whiner can help you in the kitchen. Maybe watching TV. or playing computer games is too addicting, sucking him dry of his innate creativity, leaving him grouchy and needy. (This one was across the board true of my kids!) 

Some kids get whiney when their routine is broken. Try mapping out the day consistently so she knows what’s next. (One of my kids needed this first thing every morning to put him in a restful attitude). 

Some kids need a long time at bedtime to talk and review the day. Hurrying them up can sabotage your efforts for a peaceful evening. Maybe your child needs more hugs (seriously, there’s research indicating that we all need a minimum of 8 hugs a day!)

7.  Ease some of the burden from your shoulders to theirs as they mature.

Jesus often asked the question, Do you want to get well? Or What do you want from me? Sometimes the answer seemed obvious, yet He asked anyway. I think He was trying to help hurting people stop the tendency towards victimization and self-pity. Passivity is depressing. By training your child to look for solutions, you’re keeping him alert to hope. And even more, you’re equipping her to be an emotionally healthy, solutions-minded human being. 

8.  Ask your older child to spend time alone with God.

Not as punishment, but as a way of training him or her to go to Jesus with their concerns. He bears our burdens so beautifully once we learn how that works. Urge him to pray specifically, but then to listen. Thus you are preventing your child from becoming dependent on you or anyone else to lift those whiney blues. 

9.  Train your kids to be delighters.

Gratitude for the little things, noticing beauty, relishing moments, being present to God’s gifts throughout the day. Then share those delights with each other. For those who learn to delight in God, even the saddest of days are strangely happy. 

10.  Invite your kids to correct you when you start complaining and grumbling.

We all whine sometimes, even when we don’t mean it. It’s so hot! I’m exhausted, I’m too busy, too stressed, too cold… yada, yada, yada. Make it a game to purge their parent of whininess. They’ll love that! 

As with most character training, teaching your children to deal with their emotions takes time. You’re molding your child by making her aware of her own responses, not scolding her for annoying you!

May the Father give you grace to love your children well and wisely, as you train them in His ways.

From my heart,

Diane

P.S. How are you helping your child to identify his or her unruly emotions? Have you found words that seem to work? Please let us know in the comments. And keep sending in questions you'd like to see answered on the blog!