What to Do With Temper Tantrums
We have explored the differences between a melt-down and a temper tantrum, and addressed ways to deal with and train a child whose emotional implosions put him or her at risk for future difficulties. Now…
What about temper tantrums?
Those awful, willful moments every parent dreads, unsympathetic onlookers judge, and most children try.
Every one of our children indulged, with varying frequency and ferocity, in temper tantrums. Our firstborn just had to see if his drama could control his parents, both daughters tried temper tantrums half-heartedly and gave up quickly, then our last child displayed his temper with uncommon frequency. Oh yeah, temper tantrums were well known in the Comer household.
Rather than simply dismiss displays of willful temper as normal, we chose to deal with these moments by addressing them head on. We’d seen too many grown ups spew anger on people they lived with or worked with. We’d felt the heat of anger ourselves and been embarrassed by our own venting. For both Phil and I, anger spewed on others was bottom line unacceptable. And— we believed— entirely trainable.
Here’s a path to follow if you want to eliminate temper tantrums as your child’s go-to response to restrictions:
1. Stay alert to your child’s unspoken signals.
Most kids have pre-temper tantrum “tells” that indicate an explosion in imminent. One child may get loud and red faced, another may clam up tight. Some kids get super competitive, others throw angry looks. Be aware of these and do not ignore the warning signs. Leave off of whatever you’re doing to try to intervene.
2. Promptly meet your child’s physical needs.
A snack, a rest, time alone, time with you, a run around the backyard. Your child’s body may be crying so loudly for help that it takes only the slightest frustration to ignite a fireball. Do what you can to eliminate physical causes.
3. Warn your child of the consequences of continuing.
Once a temper tantrum starts it’s really hard to stop. But there is a brief moment when you can head it off at the pass by addressing it. Honey, are you having a temper tantrum? Or can you stop? You know what I’ll have to do if you have a temper tantrum, don’t you? Can we talk about this instead?
4. Utilize the tool of the ‘rod of discipline’.
Ultimately, in our home, we chose to spank our kids for all-out temper tantrums. But because we worked hard and consistently on avoiding temper tantrums, and because our children knew they had a choice, those sessions of discipline became times of sweet comraderie. We were helping them and they knew it. Love, not anger, permeated every step of the spanking.
5. Bring your child into the comfort of Jesus.
A child who has been spanked for a temper tantrum is wide open to the love of God in that moment. Hold him close and soothe with compassion, just as the Spirit holds us close in our broken moments. Let her know the depth of your love for her, all the while leading her into the ability to experience the love of Christ when we least deserve it.
Now, I am well aware that the ‘rod of discipline’ may not be appropriate for your situation. If you’re struggling with anger yourself, or if your child has suffered trauma. If she lacks the cognitive ability to understand what’s going on, or you’re in a public place. If you’re raising a foster child, or your child is ill.
If a spanking done in a God-honoring way is not the best choice for your child, then you’ll need to put together your own sequence of steps to follow in the midst of a temper tantrum. Be consistent. Be kind.
The worst two things you can do in the face of your child’s temper tantrum are 1. Give in. or 2. Get angry.
Either of those will only reinforce to your child the effectiveness of grand displays of anger.
And believe me, anger is an incredibly effective means of controlling people! Every manic dictator in history has used anger to traumatize and tyrannize his (or her) people.
The way of Jesus is to…
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of malicious behavior.
Instead, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
From a heart still learning how…
Diane
P.S. I’d love to hear from you. What have you found helps when your child teeters on the verge of a temper tantrum?