Q + A: Empathy

Question: 

How do you create/foster empathy in a child who just doesn't seem to realize other's reactions and feelings?

Answer: 

First, let’s take a look at a couple of definitions, lest we confuse our synonyms.

The Webster’s (kids version) definition for empathy is:

: a being aware of and sharing another person's feelings, experiences, and emotions; also : the ability for this

Empathy responds to what another is feeling, whether that means great joy, intense sorrow, or even hilarity. Those who are empathetic mirror another’s emotions. 

This is the ability to pick up on facial expressions, correctly interpret someone’s laugh, maybe even notice the use of words that reflect another’s experience. Empathy requires sensitivity and awareness of others, but also of ourselves. If we cannot name our own emotions, we’ll be awkward in reflecting another’s feelings. 

Sympathy is a little different, it is defined as:

 a showing of sorrow for another's loss, grief, or misfortune

Sympathy feels the pain of another due to their circumstances; we groan when we hear a friend has the flu, we feel deep sadness for those affected by a devastating hurricane. 

No doubt, some of us are born with oodles of emotion, right? I cry at Hallmark commercials and when I’m talking about things I keep inside of me. I cry when I’m mad. Or sad.  

It is natural then for me to feel the pain of others— deeply.  That’s sympathy. 

Both sympathy and empathy are emotional responses. Thus the depth of empathy or sympathy a child is capable of feelinghas to do with maturity as well as with personality. 

God values character over emotions. In the Scriptures we see words like compassion and mercy.  But these are not so much emotional responses to people, as instigators of action. 

We are to give mercy, to show compassion. 

Jesus’ ultimate act of mercy was His choosing to die a horrific death on the cross in order to save us from the consequences of our own sin. 

As Bob Goff so famously says, “Love does.”

• Come with me to Date Night at the Comers.

It’s Thursday evening and Jude, Moses, Sunday, Duke, Scarlet, and Birdie are here. So is my 82 year-old mom (aka Grandma Great) who is suffering from rapidly advancing Alzheimer’s. All six children respond to her obvious suffering in different ways:

• Jude (11) throws his arms around her and holds on tight. He oozes empathy and sympathy, freely showing how much he cares for her. 

Jude loves with generous affection and kind words.

• Moses (8) runs right past her ‘cu he’s spotted his cousin Duke and has something he needs to say right now before he forgets. It’s urgent, top priority. After the initial excitement of seeing everyone, he approaches Grandma Great with thoughtful intention. He shows interest and awareness; brings her cane when she wobbles. 

Moses loves logically. 

• Sunday (8) watches from a few steps away. She may give a quick hug, but it’s nowhere near as passionate as Jude’s. Instead, she looks for some way to help her Great Grandmother. Long after the other kids are off playing, she wants to bake her some cookies or bring her something to drink. 

Sunday loves through serving.

• Duke (8) wants to know all about why Grandma Great has switched from her cane to a walker. He notices that she’s out of breath and invites her to sit on the seat attached to her walker, then he pushes her to where she needs to go.

Duke loves by solving logistical problems.

• Scarlet (5) marches over to Grandma Great with a smile on her face. She takes her by the hand and gently tugs her in the right direction, all the while talking about how much fun they’re going to have. Grandma Great can’t help but grin at her bright little great-granddaughter. 

Scarlet loves by spreading joy.

• Birdie (18 months) is not yet capable of compassion. But she’s watching with wide eyes and someday all this compassionate, active, loving someone-in-need will have filled a foundation upon which she will build her own way of giving love.

Six children at different stages of maturity expressing compassion and mercy and love in uniquely varying ways. 

So… how does that translate to tomorrow morning at your house? 

• Give your child the space to respond to someone’s suffering within the context of his or her unique personality. 
• Avoid using the disciplinary tools of correction or rebuke when teaching your child to give compassion and show mercy. Instead, focus on the tool of encouragement. “I saw how you gave your brother some space when he was upset, that was a very compassionate choice.” 
• When your child chooses an inappropriate response to someone’s suffering, use training methods rather than scolding him. “Instead of laughing at your little sister, look for ways to help her— that’s the compassionate choice.”
• Be on your guard against using emotional manipulation to shame your child into a compassionate response. “Can’t you see that she’s hurt?” “Don’t you feel bad?” Instead, coach your child into an appropriate response that corresponds to his or her personality. 
• Read the Bible stories to your children as you train them to “love their neighbor as themselves.” The story of the Samaritan man who went out of his way to love by doing (Luke 10:25-37) is a beautiful illustration of showing mercy.
• Above all else, bring Jesus into your child’s training. Admire His compassion, talk about His mercy towards us: that instead of giving us the punishment we deserve, He chooses to bring us close and lavish love on us.  

And remember, training takes time. Just as walls are built brick by brick, we build strength into our child’s character one training moment at a time. 

There are no instant results in this task of building men and women who love God with passion and love people on purpose. 

From my heart,

Diane