Q + A: Emotional Self Control
QUESTION:
"In general I was wondering what sort of language or actions would we use to teach our two daughters emotional self-control.
The daughter who just turned 3 will have all sorts of requests right before bed, like “I am hungry” “ or I need mommy for a cuddle” “ I need to change my jammies”. When we say no and gracefully leave, she freaks out and throws a fit.
We usually let her cry for 10 minutes or so and during that time we might pop our heads in to say “Good night, we love you”.
She eventually settles down, but I want to teach her the skills of choosing to calm down and choosing to obey us.
Do you have any thoughts on how to teach her self-control in the midst of a tantrum?"
ANSWER:
I love this question! This dad wants to know what he can do now so that both of his daughters have the tools they’ll need to weather the inevitable emotional storms that are part of real life.
He doesn’t want to see his daughters’ stories of faith hindered by their runaway emotions. And he knows he’s the one to help.
Wow.
And since bedtime is primetime for emotional implosions, I’ll stick to his example. But first, let me tell you my own story.
When I married Phil I was barely 19 years old. Serious and shy, ultra responsible and hard working, growing in leaps and bounds spiritually— I seemed mature.
But emotionally and relationally… I was a meltdown waiting to happen.
I had no idea what to do with all the hurts that had accumulated deep down in my inaccessible soul. No words for how inadequate and unlovable I felt when someone— anyone— so much as frowned in my direction.
So when Phil said anything even slightly critical, or if I saw his face and assumed disapproval, I didn’t know what to do. Instead of asking for clarification or recognizing that he was simply stressed and having a hard day, I just stuffed it inside and tried to deny the ache.
And that ache sat there, festering like an open wound.
Once that pit in my insides filled with a dozen or so (mostly) accidental incidents, I dissolved into a grand display of inconsolable despair. As in: unresolvable arguments, copious tears, “nobody-likes-me-you-don’t-love-me-our-marriage-is-doomed” drama.
Oh yeah. Very embarrassing.
That, my dear friends, is what an emotional meltdown looks like in a grown up woman. A woman who should have but didn’t know how to control all those unruly feelings that threatened to sabotage my genuine desire for a healthy marriage.
Which is why I absolutely love this father’s question— instead of abandoning his daughter to her own immature and insecure meltdowns at three, which would inevitably turn into meltdowns like my own at twenty-three, he wants to know what he can do now to strengthen her emotional self-control.
But first, he needs to determine if his daughter is having a meltdown or a temper tantrum; because, though they may look and sound the same at first glance, they are vastly different responses.
How To Tell The Difference Between A Meltdown And A Temper Tantrum:
1. A meltdown is an emotional implosion. A temper tantrum is a willful response to not getting one’s own way.
In our story, note that the little girl didn’t actually object to going to bed. Her meltdown started once she was left alone and all those fearful feelings left her feeling insecure and unsure.
2. A meltdown often involves fear of some sort. A temper tantrum is a trigger to anger. Both can include tears but with a very different purpose.
This little girl showed all the signs of bedtime fearfulness. All of a sudden her world is quiet and all sorts of monsters and goblins come out to wag their uglies in her face.
3. A meltdown is usually preceded by physical or relational stress.
Common triggers for meltdowns are: the beginning of a new school year; fatigue; blood sugar fluctuations; an unsympathetic teacher; a rejection from a friend; fear of failure or of loss; an accumulation of unidentified, unnamed feelings. Even uncomfortable clothes!
4. A temper tantrum is usually a reaction to wanting to have or do something that is being denied by the parent or someone else. Her way is being thwarted and she thinks she can bellow the person into submission.
Mom says no to a particular snack, Dad says it’s time to turn off the computer game, a sibling ungraciously grabs a toy she was playing with.
5. A meltdown is the result of a whole gamut of emotions that your child is not yet able to sort through.
Rejection, loss of connection, hurt feelings, shame, insecurity, performance-based disapproval from someone important to your child, the craving of an introvert for one-on-one time with mom or dad.
6. A temper tantrum is the result of wanting my way and wanting it now!
Can you see the difference?
Both often include a torrent of tears, loud wailing, throwing themselves on the ground. Either one may sound unreasonable or disrespectful— or both.
Both need to be dealt with; both need a form of discipline— neither will be solved by punishment.(note the difference between punishment and discipline here) But let’s not call them by the same names or respond in the same way!
This week, watch your kids closely. Remember what Phil teaches in the conference? Children are not only to be molded, but also unfolded.
Unfold your child this week.
Ask God my favorite question: “Lord, what’s going on?”
And mull on this nugget of wisdom from the Word:
“The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters,
but one who has insight draws them out.”
The Spirit is the wise counselor, the One who knows your child intimately. Which means that He knows the best way for you to respond to your child in order to mold your son or daughter into an emotionally and relationally whole adult.
And come back for the next post: What To Do When Your Child Has A Meltdown. Followed by: What To Do When Your Child Has A Temper Tantrum.
Searching for wisdom with you,
Diane