Learning The Language of Encouragement
For many years I knew I needed encourage my kids, but somewhere in the back of my mind I thought encouraging words were just an add on— an extra dose of nice-ness.
As if encouraging words are merely a way to soften the affect of all the correcting, rebuking, and breaking-up-of-arguments and meeting-of-urgent-needs that seemed sometimes to make up the majority of my days.
So I dabbled in this thing called ‘encouragement’— and the dabbling was occasional at best. Another one of those ideals that just didn’t segue into the reality of my every-days.
Until I started to notice how Phil’s encouraging words to me made a difference for me.
He’d come home after a long day at work, see me in my end-of-the-day bedraggled state, and instead of summing me up as the inefficient, worn out, barely-keeping-my-nose-above-water woman the hallway mirror reflected, he called me beautiful.
Seriously?
And as soon as he said it, I felt… beautiful. And because I felt beautiful, I wanted to be the way he saw me. Pretty soon I’d adopted the habit of freshening up before he got home. A little lip gloss, a spritz of perfume.
Then I’d greet him at the door waiting for those words… beautiful.
Now if he had berated me for “letting myself go”, I would have lashed back in anger… and hurt. I would have told him all the reasons why beauty wasn’t a priority with a new baby, a fussy toddler, and an intense pre-schooler.
Instead, Phil told me what he saw in me, even when I’d lost sight of it myself.
And that’s why we encourage our kids. We have the honor— as parents appointed by God to raise our unique children— of seeing them as the gift God intended them to be. Of seeing their beautiful-ness.
When we purpose to be generous with words of encouragement, we bring hope right into the center of our homes. Because it’s at home that we’re at our most raw, right? And after a while all that rawness rubs us wrong and we fall into critical, corrective habits that leave everyone feeling less than beautiful.
As we wrote in our book,
“… if all they ever hear from you is corrective, many children will eventually come to the conclusion that there’s something wrong with them— that they’re difficult or bad or too much trouble— or even that the gospel doesn’t work for them.”
And though for many of us this area includes a steep learning curve, it is learnable!
Here are a few words and phrases I’ve found open the door to bring the refreshing breeze of encouragement wafting through our homes:
Encouraging Words
“·You did that so well! Gosh, I’m impressed.
· You are really good with your baby sister. I see how patient you are when she gets into your things.
· Thank you for obeying me promptly— I know that isn’t always easy.
· Do you know, you’re a really interesting person. I love how you think.
· I noticed how you thanked your teacher and that’s such a good reminder to me to thank people for their help.
· I like the way you said that!
· Come on in— I’ve been looking forward to you coming home, you just bring joy in with you!”
You’ll want to be as specific to your child as possible.
“· A specific task done well
· A surprisingly good attitude
· A notable kindness.
· A helpful character quality that your child exhibits in times of stress.”
Encouraging words bring your child the courage, not just to behave the way you hope they will, but to be who they really are.
That’s a language worth learning well!
From my heart,
Diane