I want my children to obey me out of respect, not fear... but how?

They don’t often respond to me asking nicely.

Has this ever happened to you? You try to get your kids to obey by asking nicely or appealing to their good will, only to be met with defiance, disrespect or bad attitudes? 

When this happens, I often feel the need to “turn up the heat” by having a more convincing tone or being angry or threatening discipline…and let’s be honest it works most of the time. 

But is that ok? Is it ok to to use fear and anger to control my kids when they are not obeying? I mean if they are not obeying... they have it coming right? NO!!!!

Anger and fear are great motivators towards compliance. Yet, anger and fear never bring about the fruit that Jesus talks about and it hurts those we love. 

Think of Hitler…anger and fear as control mechanisms are dangerous.

I have recently been reminded of the power of using the tools of discipline and instead of using anger, I have taken Jesus’ invitation to set the stage for discipline through gentleness and meekness. 

Gentleness. 

“With tender humility and quiet patience, always demonstrate gentleness and generous love toward one another, especially toward those who may try your patience. Be faithful to guard the sweet harmony of the Holy Spirit among you in the bonds of peace,” Ephesians 4:2-3 

Gentleness is key for a healthy life and healthy relationships.

Gentleness is the tone, the posture, the heart, the attitude and disposition we must have if we are going to be the kind of people who are raising passionate Jesus followers.

Meekness. 

“For a true servant of our Lord Jesus will not be argumentative but gentle toward all and skilled in helping others see the truth, having great patience toward the immature. Then with meekness you’ll be able to carefully enlighten those who argue with you so they can see God’s gracious gift of repentance and be brought to the truth.” 2 Timothy 2:24-25 

The Greek word for “meek” is “praus” (prah-oos΄). The word “praus” was borrowed from the military and relates to horse training.  

Here is a quote from this word study: “The Greek army would find the wildest horses in the mountains and bring them to be broken in.  After months of training they sorted the horses into categories: some were discarded, some broken and made useful for bearing burdens, some were useful for ordinary duty and the fewest of all graduated as war horses. When a horse passed the conditioning required for a war horse, it's state was described as ‘praus,’ [that is, meek].   The war horse had ‘power under authority,’ ‘strength under control.’  A war horse never ceased to be determined, strong and passionate.  However, it learned to bring its nature under discipline.  It gave up being wild, unruly, out of control and rebellious. A war horse learned to bring that nature under control. It would now respond to the slightest touch of the rider, stand in the face of cannon fire, thunder into battle and stop at a whisper. It was now ‘meek’.”

Jesus was meek

Moses was meek

We can be meek with the Spirit’s power.

Our goal is to have our children obey us because they love and respect us so much. This is not always possible as many know... but it is what we aim for. 

That was Jesus’ way and it can be ours too. 

When the next opportunity presents itself...instead of responding in anger and instilling fear… breathe.

Invite the Holy Spirit in, and attempt to have gentleness in your approach. Also, add some meekness (strength under control).

From a Dad Who is Learning All This Stuff,

Brook

PS: this doesn’t mean we don’t hold the line or use effective tools of discipline... it means that we do it from a place of gentleness and love.